Perhaps I felt superior in that difference.
But as soon as he saw me, the man who was smoking said, "Oh! Young lady, you sit down here and I'll step away. Here I am smoking in the bus shelter..." He stepped out into the drizzle where his cigarette dampened.
Without much else to do, I eavesdropped on the conversation between the two men.
Man number one (the man who stepped out into the rain with his cigarette) was telling man number two about places he was looking for work. They spoke a bit about the temporary jobs which can be found on fishing boats. "But you know, I just want to get inside. I'm old, I can't be outside like that all the time. I'm outside enough."
"It's hard, it's real hard," man number two commiserated. "How can I help you?"
"It's just so hard, you know? It's -" he broke off somewhat tearfully. The second man stood up and gave the first man a hug. They were quiet for a minute. The first man continued, "You know, I don't want some government handout. I don't want somebody else's money. I just want a job. I want a job and my own money. And I'm not giving up, you know? You can't give up. It's the folks who give up who are really lost. I haven't given up, even at my age. It's perseverance, you know? I was taught that, and I'm not going to loose that. But it's still hard. Even with perseverance it's hard."
"Well, you keep that up. You keep that perseverance. Let me know how I can help. It's not easy."
The bus came. The first man put out his cigarette and placed it in the trash bin.
We all got on the bus, and took the empty seats near the front. The two men continued to talk about possibilities for work - it seemed that man number two was in a position to offer some material resources: he asked the other man's coat size and assured him that he'd get a winter coat. They discussed a younger man they both knew who was out of a job and a place to live. They were very concerned about this young man. Man number one lamented, "He's just too young. And he's young enough to turn it around, but man he needs to act quick. If he doesn't act quick, you know, ten years go by and twenty years go by and all of a sudden you're our age and it's so much harder." Man number two was optimistic about the young man's work ethic and street smarts. "He's doing all he can and more."
The two men got off a couple stops before me. They thanked the bus driver and heartily wished him a merry Christmas and walked into the mist.
And I traveled on toward my "moderately"-priced haircut appointment - at a price that might have purchased a simple winter coat or sleeping bag.
And my differences with the two men seemed simultaneously starker and less important: I have a roof over my head, an indoor job, a winter coat. I'm young and have enough money to spend on a haircut. And with all these blessings, I'm still too-often rude and pushy and ignorant of the stories around me.
I keep up my guard - watching my purse, watching for awkward stares. And being a young woman with a purse, it's necessary and practical to be guarded. Being guarded means that I might avoid a pickpocket or purse-snatcher. It means that I'll take the statistically safer route when walking. But it also means that I'm very good at creating differences between me and others - and that I'm creating false hierarchies of fear and of superiority in those differences.
Here I am - materially blessed but easily frustrated and clearly judgmental. And here are these men - absolutely at the end of their rope and still chivalrous and heartily wishing people merry Christmas. It struck me that if they saw someone reaching for my purse they wouldn't think twice about intervening. Yet many of the people who look less-different from me would probably try to ignore such a situation, to guard themselves from a thief.
We are only guarded when we have something to guard. We are only truly generous and selfless when we are not afraid.
I don't know how to balance the theological fact that there are no differences, that the hierarchy of superiority I create with my rightful-young-woman-with-a-purse-in-a-city-guardedness is wrong and is preventing me from really loving the people I meet, with the fact that I am a young woman in a city and it would be irresponsible for me to pretend that that's not true.
Is it possible for me to be rightly guarded and not surprised when I realize that someone different-from-me deserves my respect and admiration?
I suppose that's the reason for sharing this story: I was surprised to find out that the fisherman-type man smoking a cigarette in the bus shelter is an admirable and beautiful person, and I am ashamed at my own surprise.